I’ve heard all kinds of remedies for healing a broken heart, and many many theories on how long it should take for the healing process to start and end. On Sex and the City, Charlotte said it takes half of the amount of time you were with the person. So, if you were with them for 8 months, it would ideally take 4 months to heal and be ready to move on. Obviously this is a TV show and an individual theory. How you deal with things, is solely your choice. But I want to focus on the side effects of these breakups; and one in particular. Low self-esteem. When grieving any loss, there are several stages that we tend to go through. You can Google the 5 stages of grief and all the reasons you should allow yourself to feel the pain and heal from it. Many people will tell you while grieving that “love never dies,” and in order to accept that, you have to cope with every stage. But what about the effects we don’t talk about? The things you’re “not supposed” to say out loud? Sure, a breakup is not a death, but it is a loss. An ending to something that was once significant to you.
Being raised by strong women, many of us are taught how smart we are, beautiful, strong, special, etc. We can brave it through anything. We’re taught that we are just as motivated as our counterparts and we don’t “need” a man. As women of color, we’re often looked at as “the angry black woman.” The neck and eye rolling, finger snapping, scorned black woman. Crying is looked at as weak or overly emotional and when you’re hurt or betrayed you just dust yourself off and keep it moving. Right? Maybe…for some people. But I can only speak for myself. So I’m going to say the thing many women won’t want to acknowledge. I’ve walked away from relationships thinking, “Wow, what did I do wrong?” GASP. Lol. Yes, there was a situation in particular where I questioned every decision I made. “If I’d done this differently, said that differently, blah blah blah…” Walking away from someone you love is never an easy thing and after you’ve done all you can and its just not working, you oftentimes attempt to adjust things about yourself to make it work. But, there’s a very fine line between compromise and settling. So once I decided I couldn’t settle anymore, I walked away. But I was left with all kinds of unresolved feelings. I’m smart. I’m beautiful. Strong. Special. Educated. Respectful. Respectable. And I really loved him so what else could I have done? Again, the thing you’re not supposed to say, but here goes, “Why wasn’t I enough?” It made me question everything I “thought” I knew. And that had never happened to me. I love me. I AM enough…so what is this I’m feeling? Is this low self-esteem? Are these the kind of breakups that women endure time after time and that’s what turns us into the “angry black woman?” Mmmmm…
For a minute, let’s address accountability. It’s easy for men to label us (stuck up, scorned, etc.) but maybe take ten seconds to think of all the women you’ve mislead, hurt and/or scorned. And that saying, “hurt people hurt people,” it’s so true. Once you’ve been hurt your self-esteem is easily affected. You’re questioning yourself and of course everyone around you. When a man approaches you, it’s easy to question his motives because of what has happened to you in the past. I’m not giving us a pass to be rude and nasty but being hurt will easily make you standoffish. We want to protect ourselves from pain which is what we’re supposed to do. And this is a part of the reason dating gets harder as we age. Yes, we are more mature and responsible and experience is what helps you grow. But. With growth comes war wounds. Everytime you “dust yourself off and try again,” you have emotional scarring and baggage and many times you are left wondering what it is about you that’s attracting these bad relationships.
Sometimes it is you. Sometimes it’s them. Many times it’s both of you, and oftentimes you’re just not compatible. Simple, but oh so complicated. When we put in work for love, we want it to be forever. For most of us, forever will only be with one person, so you will fail at relationships many more times than you’ll be successful. Don’t be afraid to address your self-esteem issues. They make you better; they do not make you weak. They make you human. Despite what we think we know, this doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself. We’re all works in progress, but don’t you ever for one second think, “Oh she’s prettier than me…her body is better…she has a nicer car….” Listen. No one is perfect. Comparison is a lie. I saw this quote last week, “Don’t compare your behind the scenes footage to someone else’s highlight reel.” *runs around Tabernacle* LOL. We are all struggling with something and self love and personal growth is a life long journey. We have to be strong enough to raise emotionally stable children but not too strong that we aren’t willing to address our weaknesses. If you’re hurt by rejection or loss or heartbreak, that’s okay. Cry about it, write about it, do whatever you need to do to take a healthier, better you into the next relationship. Yes you have the right to cry over “spilled milk” and don’t let anyone tell you how long that should be. Pay attention to the things you’ve experienced. Look at the things you don’t want. Things you require from a mate. Most importantly what you require from yourself. And never undervalue compatibility. Some two people will never work. Blaming yourself won’t change that, but you can’t know who you’re compatible with if you don’t know yourself. Do your homework. On you. For you….I’ll leave you with this Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Have a SuperGorge Day Dolls.
XoXo, #SGSG
-@lorealdanee
